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College Supplies Each Individual Student with Alcohol to Ensure Social Distancing

Williams College, a school filled with students who actually believe money is real and decide to major in it, study exclusively on Sunday afternoons, and actively don’t care about The Record, found itself having a five day weekend earlier this month. 

After a successful night of Mountain Day Roulette, students hiked up some mountains, pretended they appreciated the foliage, then tried really really hard not to puke in it. Later that night students got together to repeat the previous night. President Mandel was vibing outside when she saw frosh sitting in a circle passing around one singular beer. 

“Yeah, they were social distancing, and even wearing masks, but all of that was counteracted by the shared beer. I couldn’t even get mad at them. It was just so sad,” said Mandel. 

“It was not sad. We were socially distant, man. Who are you? Are you with CSS? No? Well you could be undercover so I’m not saying anything. I can do that right. Shit which amendment is it. Yeah I’m pleading the fourth, ” said a potential political science major, who preferred to remain anonymous. 

“Anyway I just felt so bad for them, you know? They’re smart kids. They work hard. And they deserve to have fun and be safe,” Mandel said. 

After a few board meetings, Mandel was able to increase entry funds so JA’s could buy each frosh their own care package of alcohol. 

“I wish they were this nice when I was a frosh, we didn’t even get good munchi––I mean Snacks™️,” said JA LaxxDaddy69.

The following weekend, Mandel decided to take a walk and see the outcome of her magnificent plan. Just like she wanted, every frosh was wasted beyond measure, but on their own alcohol. 

“What students do with their alcohol is not my problem. What students do with other students’ alcohol is my problem. That’s why I got involved. I know it sounds a little extreme to supply alcohol to 18 year olds. But I didn’t, I just gave more money to the entry. They can do whatever they want with it.” 

Buzzfeed, The Record, and other super serious and totally not bad publications reported on Williams College’s terrible new decision. 

We, at The Haystack, however, just wanna say we’re proud of you. Thanks for enforcing the rules and hey, can you bring me a white claw next time? I’m gluten free, I can’t have beer.


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