College Endorses New Queerbaiters TAPSI House For 2025-26 Season

The College has announced that the Queerbaiters TAPSI, LGBTQJK, has been approved for the upcoming school year. HCs Kent Geederhoff ’26 and Harry Styles ’1D stated the mission of LGBTQJK to be “to create a safe space for everyone who got a buzzcut because Florence Pugh did it.” 

“I’m so excited to have this space where I feel comfortable in my own skin,” said new resident, Christina McGowen ’27. “I just love that I can wear my carabiner freely while having straight sex with my hetero boyfriend.”

“It gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside,” McGowen continued, “to know that, if I need a new slouchy beanie, someone’s got my back. If I need someone to help me pick the perfect Lucy Dacus song for my Instagram story, I’m not alone. And I don’t even have to kiss any yucky girls to get it.”

“just, as a straight man, it’s not my fault i speak in all lower case.” said incoming LGBTQJK resident greg olander, ’26, “it’s just my natural cadence.” When asked why he thought the new TAPSI house was a valuable addition to the community, olander explained “i wore this scarf once because my girlfriend said she fucked with it lowkey. but then someone saw me wearing it and added me to the qsu groupme.”

Sources say LGBTQJK will find its home in the WCFM office. Obviously. The leader of LGBTQJK, Harry Styles, says he supports the LGBTQ agenda. When asked to define exactly what he thought was included in the LGBTQ agenda, he said “Let Greylock Be TAPSI Queerly.” He then went on to list his other favorite letters of the alphabet.

The administration warned of possible major backups for students seeking their morning coffees, as it is likely all 70 students in the LGBTQJK TAPSI will depart from Greylock and join the Goodrich line all at once before their 9:55 WGSS class “Studying A Broad From A Distance.” There have been talks of a shuttle system, to ferry queerbaiters en masse to the next closest café in North Adams. But discussions are ongoing. And the buses don't really wanna. 

The owner of Lucky Cat in North Adams is one of LGBTQJK’s greatest supporters. He says he plans on offering “Half Off Septum Sundays,” and “70% Off Cybersigilism Saturdays” Reportedly, their books are full all the way up to next Pride Month. 

We asked President Mandel to comment on the formation of the TAPSI, to which she said “I don’t give a shit. Why would I care about this.”