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Bell Ringers Announce Every Song is the Glee Version

This past Saturday the Williams community was hit with a shocking and disgusting new development in the ever-changing profile of the Thompson Chapel bell ringers. Completely unwarranted and in the form of WordArt surrounding a pixelated picture of Matthew Morrison, they announced in a school-wide email that every song they play is actually the Glee version of that song. If the song is not one that has been performed on Glee, they do a quick search on the internet to confirm that somehow, somewhere, Lea Michele sang it.

“It actually has been going on for a long time,” says Carren Driss ‘23. “Ever since we figured out that the bells are the only instrument on earth that can match the cadence and nasality of Kurt’s voice.” Other sources tell us that Driss actually heard a hallmate singing “Can’t Fight This Feeling” in the shower and got carried away. They posited the idea at the next meeting, and it was met with overwhelming support.

Each member of the group is a self-described ‘gleek.’ “I saw it when they did that concert. It was the best night of my life. Diana Argon winked at me, I think” said Justin Cohen ‘23. This was verified by the fact that he was wearing a white t-shirt with the words “I unironically love Glee” on it. “Each member of the group wears a shirt with their personal insecurity on it. I had one that said ‘IBS’ on it, but I found it made it sort of hard to make friends,” Cohen said. When we asked if the new shirt has helped the cause, Cohen asked if we would listen to his cover of “Rose’s Turn,” and we politely ended the interview.

“Ringing the bells can get pretty boring. It’s only like, 8 notes. So when Carren suggested that we play every song as the Glee version, and Justin pulled out his extensive collection of Glee song sheet music, we knew we had to make this happen” commented Angelina Bellfort ‘23, with literal tears in her eyes. “I just hope that every time someone out there who’s lonely, maybe missing home or feeling like an outcast for their show choir obsession, hears the bells playing ‘Cough Syrup,’ they think to themselves––'Wow. Blaine’s version of this song really was something. It was so important to his character arc, and the performance of the song had more raw emotion than the kid who played Sam portrayed in his entire screen time for the whole series.’ I’m just… I’m sorry.” She wiped away her tears with the back of her sleeve. “I’m just so grateful we could make this a reality.”

“Will Schuester should be in prison. There’s no doubt about it” added Becky Jackson ‘24. “I mean, the way he got way too involved with those kids’ sex lives? And did all of those creepy dances with them? It’s just like, leave Finn alone. Let him become his own person. If he wants to take his life in a different direction, he can do that on his own. It’s not like any of the kids would have ended up somewhere different without Will Schuester putting them through all of this trauma. He should’ve just minded his own business.” This has also nothing to do with the announcement, but we agreed, so we left it in.

To get a perspective on this that wasn’t just thinly veiled opinions on the show Glee, we reached out to the A Cappella groups, hoping they would be more of a Pitch Perfect crowd. “Everything I hear about them I learn against my will” said Suzie Riverdale ‘22. “I mean, who actually can tell the difference?” she continued, clearly not understanding the nuances between Santana and Unique’s portrayal of Rizzo in the Season 4 school production of Grease.

The Haystack, in order to form a more based opinion on the question of whether it is appropriate for a long-standing tradition to evolve in such a way, had a Glee watch party. And you know what? It’s pretty good.


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